Happy New Years!....... Not!

So, the new year is very soon upon us.

I really do not get all the fuss that people make about New Year. It's just another day. I cannot be bothered for New Years Eve, not once in my life have I ever enjoyed the evening, and being a student I cannot possibly afford a night out on the town where the drinks are £5 each! Yes I am a New Years Scrooge.

But am I glad to see the end of 2009?

To be honest I don't really know. It has been a good year I suppose; starting University was a hell of a leap of independence for me. And meeting all the people there, making new friends, that's definitely a plus. But then again, to think of this time last year, when I had both my Nan's around, does make me very sad. What I'd give to have them back. Christmas was not the same this year. It makes me wonder what life is going to be like this time next year. Will I lose anyone else?

To conclude, I suppose I'm not looking forward to 2010. Sorry to put a downer on all things New Year, but I really don't want to turn 20 years old, and the sooner it turns 2010, the sooner I become 20. No more teen years for me. Gosh, getting old sucks.

Merry Christmas.

Am enjoying being home too much, I really don't want this to end.
Why is it that time flies when you're having fun?
Please slow down.

Merry Christmas to all, enjoy having your loved ones with you.

Some of mine are missing this year.

To make things easier.

You know that feeling of wanting the ground to swallow you up..
Having that way too often recently.

Say hello to Grandad for me.

First time on my own since I heard the news.
I'm unpredictable. Swapping from one extreme to the next.

Losing a loved one is awful. There's no other way to put it.
And the worse thing is that I can't even be with my family at this moment in time.
I'm stuck here.
What do I do?

Funerals next week. Going to make my Nan proud.

The perfect weekend.

I do love him so much. I think sometimes I need reminding of how lucky I am.
Everyone deserves this.

Gosh, I am a sop.

Deck the halls!

I know it's not even the 1st of Dec yet, so don't shoot me for writing a blog about Xmas, please.

Is it a crime to actually look forward to that time of the year? Why am I looking forward to it, you may ask.. particularly as there hasn't been a Xmas in my life where things have run smoothly and I've actually enjoyed the day. Well.. no harm in hoping for it to go well! The idea of Xmas sounds pleasant.. time with the family, eating good warm food, drinking good warm alcohol, and singing good warm carols. That's how it goes in the movies anyways.

The reality of it is at some point in the day you're going to argue with someone, particularly after one too many mulled wines, you'll eat to your hearts content and won't be able to fit into your jeans the next day, and you'll be sick of all the carols as it's all you've heard since November.
Isn't it a shame that it's only one day, eh?

Oh well, to all you scrooges out there! I cannot wait! I like reality, it's all so... real! No point living in fantasy. Appreciate what you've got.

And only 39 days to go!

Lesson of the day.

Nothing good ever comes from speaking the truth.

Confidence is a funny thing.

Everyone assumes, just because I love acting, that I must be confident. And yet, at times I feel like I'm the least confident person in the room. Yes, I can get on stage and become a different person. But ask me to be myself and I find it difficult.
I think sometimes I may come across as being quite arrogant, but I assure you that that is only an act. I could pick out a hundred and one things about myself that I would absolutely love to change.
I just find it so hard to be me. I'm a control freak, I admit. And so I can never let my guard down, even with the people I love most. I can not let them see a side to myself that I don't like. I put on an act, so they never have to see the real me. I've gotten so use to having a barrier up that sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.
I also find that I keep people at a distance, so as to not let myself be in the position to show the real me. It takes me time to befriend people, and even then they probably wouldn't know everything. But then that makes me think... are we ever really ourselves?!
In my case, no I don't think I am really ever myself. I think that at times I show bits of my personality, but most of the time I put on a face. I was once told that we have many different faces, and I believe that. We all have different faces, or masks, and we put which ever one on depending on the situation and who you're with. The only time I'm ever truly myself would be when I am only with myself.
Just a thought.

Relax. Don't do it. When you want to go to it.

Went to Bristol today.
Didn't know where we were going.
But that was the whole fun of it.
Had a good day, but now I'm shattered!

Xmas is coming soon.. am soooo excited! I just love it!
Was really excited buying people things today, I get more excited about giving presents than receiving them! Aren't I nice! =]

Going to have a relaxing evening tonight, put up my feet and read Harry Potter with a nice hot chocolate. How wonderful.

Isn't throwing up just awful.

Lying in my bed, bored, because my lunch didn't agree with me. First sick day yet, and hopefully my last. I hope I don't miss out on anything important, otherwise I will not be happy.
Weathers been awful lately. Just rain, rain, rain. Does it rain more when you're by the sea? Hmm. I wonder?
Miss my parents. Been thinking about my Nan alot. Isn't it just awful getting old. I'm hoping they invent something that prevents it by the time I'm 50. Hope shes alright.
Just watched Jaws 2.. not going in the sea anytime soon.

Hello?

Invisible? As always.

Thoughts.

I feel lost.
This doesn't feel like home anymore.
Where is home?

"Home is where the heart is"

I obviously have no heart.

The land of familiarity.

I'm home.

It's weird.. feels like I haven't been away. But in the back of my mind there's this feeling that's making it impossible to relax. I can't relax as I'll be packing up and moving back to Weston soon. I am missing my housemates though, they are my 2nd family.

It is so good to see my family and my doggies though!!! Gosh I missed them.

Oh Jeez.

Am hoping I get home without a problem today.
Really don't fancy getting on a train to Wales.

Ode to the dishwasher.

The house feels weird... 4 people have gone home and it feels empty. Not quite right.
I'm amazed at peoples inability to wash up after themselves though. Will most definitely not miss that this week, Oh dishwasher.. how I've missed you! It should be a written law for every house to have one really. Why would Gordon Brown not give people the opportunity to lower the percentage of arguments in the household about washing up?! Let him answer that!

Looking like a tourist tomorrow with my suitcase and rucksack.. hopefully I don't bump into Robert Pattinson. I would just die.

Because I'm abstract..

Rain rain go away, come again another day...

Preferably next week when I'm not here.

NYC

Oh New York. Oh Manhattan. Oh Central Park. How I miss you.

Lost.

I walked around Asda today. Was shopping for food, it wasn't just for fun. But I felt lost. Looking around at all of these people, all living their own lives. I felt like a lost sheep.

Who am I?

It was kind of nice not caring what they thought of me as a tear came down my eye.
I like food shopping.

Big fucking yellow taxi...

You really don't know what you've got till it's gone. My family.

Okay, they haven't gone as such. But I'm away from them, and when you're both doing your own thing it is very hard to keep in contact. But I do miss them so very much. What I'd do just to have a little chat with my mum, the ones we always use to have, she was/is my best friend. I'd love a hug from her right now. How I miss my Dad, what I'd do just to hear him have his little rants... oh, how I take after him. To bicker with my brother over the most stupid things. Just to walk in and see Chester and Roxie bounce up and run over wagging their tails at me. Just to smell the smell of home. To have that familiarity back.

I want to be back in London. Not shitty Weston Super Mare, with nothing in it except small cafes and drug rehabilitation centres.

Oh, and a Topshop.

<3

Who knew that you could have so much love for just one person.

Memory.

Had to perform a monologue today. I managed to cry, I had to use a very painful memory to create those tears though. Isn't it strange how horrible things you go through can actually help you later in life. I am actually grateful to have gone through that memory as it helped me today.

On a bit of a downer now though, I keep thinking about how I felt back then; the jealousy, not feeling good enough, the hatred I felt just looking in the mirror. Wishing I was her. Acting really does mess with your emotions.

On a happier note. Seeing Mark tonight, he's staying for the weekend. Actually cannot wait to see him, especially after today, thinking about that particular memory. Only he can make it better.

Where art thou tears?

Why is it that when you don't want to cry, you do.. but when you do want to cry it's the most impossible thing ever?! How very frustrating is it indeed!

I wish I had a switch! Then maybe I wouldn't be 'acting' so much, ey Dave!

The wise words of Dorothy.

Battling this mild form of depression.
There's no place like home.

The ongoing issues with a girls weight..

So, as I was in Tesco's searching for what to eat for my lunch, I got asked a question that could be perceived as quite rude.

"How much do you weigh?"

Now, of course, I didn't answer. Why is it any of their business how much I weigh? The weight of a person shouldn't define who they are, surely? But it does. Weight is one of the main issues in the media today. And I would love to say that it doesn't affect me, but I would be lying. Of course it affects me, I think about my weight everyday. Now to everybody out there I may be classed as 'thin', but to me, I'm not thin enough. If I could just stop eating, God I love it, but the truth is I love food, I find it a real struggle to turn down cake or chocolate or ice cream or anything I particularly like. I go through everyday thinking about what I should or shouldn't eat, how it'll affect my body, and regretting eating so much at the end of the night. It's on my mind constantly. Its an obsession.

We will never be truly happy with ourselves. There will always be something that we want to change about ourselves, and it's not a question of solving that, it's a question of coping with it. And that's my challenge right now, coping with my insecurities and learning to love them.

Now excuse me whilst I finish off my tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.. because I'll never learn.

Oh Contextual Studies!

The Monday of the week is over, and I am in a monotonously dreading tomorrow. I do wonder why people are happy going through their life always dreading the next day. Why should we have to occupy ourselves with things that make us feel like that? If I had one wish, it would be to never feel like that, why should we wish our lives away?
Although, on a happier note, I did thoroughly enjoy Contextual Studies today! One studying Acting should wonder why they enjoy sitting down in a dark, clammy room looking at a computer screen. (The use of the word 'one' was for you Hayley) But I did enjoy it, I enjoy it everyday. I enjoy learning about the history of Theatre, how it began, what happened to make it into what it is today. This, however, makes me think that maybe I should be studying Drama Studies, or History rather, not Acting... but we won't go into that as I already am obsessing over my future in the Performance Industry.
But I learnt a lot today, and that makes me feel good, to know that I know a little bit more knowledge than I did yesterday. Although note how everything I learnt was in Contextual Studies and not in Stage Management.. sort this out Malcolm!
On hearing the goings on between a certain two housemates today, I am particularly hoping the house doesn't turn into some awkward atmospheric place, why can't we all just get along in harmony... Okay, that's cheesy. Maybe not harmony, as I guess you can't help it if you generally don't like person... lets just hope it can all be civil.
I am turning down a Murder Mystery to do some homework tonight. Oh, what a good student I am! However the free food being served there is very tempting. Hmm..

My head hurts.

It took me half an hour to think of a blog name, and you may or may not get it.. but I think it sums me up to a tee. Now give me an hour or so to think about what to write in my next blog.
I'm alien to this.