Thoughts.

I feel lost.
This doesn't feel like home anymore.
Where is home?

"Home is where the heart is"

I obviously have no heart.

The land of familiarity.

I'm home.

It's weird.. feels like I haven't been away. But in the back of my mind there's this feeling that's making it impossible to relax. I can't relax as I'll be packing up and moving back to Weston soon. I am missing my housemates though, they are my 2nd family.

It is so good to see my family and my doggies though!!! Gosh I missed them.

Oh Jeez.

Am hoping I get home without a problem today.
Really don't fancy getting on a train to Wales.

Ode to the dishwasher.

The house feels weird... 4 people have gone home and it feels empty. Not quite right.
I'm amazed at peoples inability to wash up after themselves though. Will most definitely not miss that this week, Oh dishwasher.. how I've missed you! It should be a written law for every house to have one really. Why would Gordon Brown not give people the opportunity to lower the percentage of arguments in the household about washing up?! Let him answer that!

Looking like a tourist tomorrow with my suitcase and rucksack.. hopefully I don't bump into Robert Pattinson. I would just die.

Because I'm abstract..

Rain rain go away, come again another day...

Preferably next week when I'm not here.

NYC

Oh New York. Oh Manhattan. Oh Central Park. How I miss you.

Lost.

I walked around Asda today. Was shopping for food, it wasn't just for fun. But I felt lost. Looking around at all of these people, all living their own lives. I felt like a lost sheep.

Who am I?

It was kind of nice not caring what they thought of me as a tear came down my eye.
I like food shopping.

Big fucking yellow taxi...

You really don't know what you've got till it's gone. My family.

Okay, they haven't gone as such. But I'm away from them, and when you're both doing your own thing it is very hard to keep in contact. But I do miss them so very much. What I'd do just to have a little chat with my mum, the ones we always use to have, she was/is my best friend. I'd love a hug from her right now. How I miss my Dad, what I'd do just to hear him have his little rants... oh, how I take after him. To bicker with my brother over the most stupid things. Just to walk in and see Chester and Roxie bounce up and run over wagging their tails at me. Just to smell the smell of home. To have that familiarity back.

I want to be back in London. Not shitty Weston Super Mare, with nothing in it except small cafes and drug rehabilitation centres.

Oh, and a Topshop.

<3

Who knew that you could have so much love for just one person.

Memory.

Had to perform a monologue today. I managed to cry, I had to use a very painful memory to create those tears though. Isn't it strange how horrible things you go through can actually help you later in life. I am actually grateful to have gone through that memory as it helped me today.

On a bit of a downer now though, I keep thinking about how I felt back then; the jealousy, not feeling good enough, the hatred I felt just looking in the mirror. Wishing I was her. Acting really does mess with your emotions.

On a happier note. Seeing Mark tonight, he's staying for the weekend. Actually cannot wait to see him, especially after today, thinking about that particular memory. Only he can make it better.

Where art thou tears?

Why is it that when you don't want to cry, you do.. but when you do want to cry it's the most impossible thing ever?! How very frustrating is it indeed!

I wish I had a switch! Then maybe I wouldn't be 'acting' so much, ey Dave!

The wise words of Dorothy.

Battling this mild form of depression.
There's no place like home.

The ongoing issues with a girls weight..

So, as I was in Tesco's searching for what to eat for my lunch, I got asked a question that could be perceived as quite rude.

"How much do you weigh?"

Now, of course, I didn't answer. Why is it any of their business how much I weigh? The weight of a person shouldn't define who they are, surely? But it does. Weight is one of the main issues in the media today. And I would love to say that it doesn't affect me, but I would be lying. Of course it affects me, I think about my weight everyday. Now to everybody out there I may be classed as 'thin', but to me, I'm not thin enough. If I could just stop eating, God I love it, but the truth is I love food, I find it a real struggle to turn down cake or chocolate or ice cream or anything I particularly like. I go through everyday thinking about what I should or shouldn't eat, how it'll affect my body, and regretting eating so much at the end of the night. It's on my mind constantly. Its an obsession.

We will never be truly happy with ourselves. There will always be something that we want to change about ourselves, and it's not a question of solving that, it's a question of coping with it. And that's my challenge right now, coping with my insecurities and learning to love them.

Now excuse me whilst I finish off my tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.. because I'll never learn.

Oh Contextual Studies!

The Monday of the week is over, and I am in a monotonously dreading tomorrow. I do wonder why people are happy going through their life always dreading the next day. Why should we have to occupy ourselves with things that make us feel like that? If I had one wish, it would be to never feel like that, why should we wish our lives away?
Although, on a happier note, I did thoroughly enjoy Contextual Studies today! One studying Acting should wonder why they enjoy sitting down in a dark, clammy room looking at a computer screen. (The use of the word 'one' was for you Hayley) But I did enjoy it, I enjoy it everyday. I enjoy learning about the history of Theatre, how it began, what happened to make it into what it is today. This, however, makes me think that maybe I should be studying Drama Studies, or History rather, not Acting... but we won't go into that as I already am obsessing over my future in the Performance Industry.
But I learnt a lot today, and that makes me feel good, to know that I know a little bit more knowledge than I did yesterday. Although note how everything I learnt was in Contextual Studies and not in Stage Management.. sort this out Malcolm!
On hearing the goings on between a certain two housemates today, I am particularly hoping the house doesn't turn into some awkward atmospheric place, why can't we all just get along in harmony... Okay, that's cheesy. Maybe not harmony, as I guess you can't help it if you generally don't like person... lets just hope it can all be civil.
I am turning down a Murder Mystery to do some homework tonight. Oh, what a good student I am! However the free food being served there is very tempting. Hmm..

My head hurts.

It took me half an hour to think of a blog name, and you may or may not get it.. but I think it sums me up to a tee. Now give me an hour or so to think about what to write in my next blog.
I'm alien to this.